Hong Kong Parenting: Your Child Throws Tantrums Because They're Smart—Here's Why

Jan 28
Your child is lying on the floor of the supermarket. They're screaming. Their face is red. Everyone is staring.

And you're thinking: What is wrong with my child?
Here's what we've learned from decades of working with Hong Kong families: there's actually nothing wrong with your child. What you're witnessing isn't misbehavior or manipulation. It's communication. And once you understand what they're actually trying to say, you stop seeing tantrums as failures and start seeing them as information.

In fact—tantrums often signal that your child is smart enough to recognize they have a problem they can't solve.

The Iceberg Model: What You're Actually Seeing

When we work with Hong Kong families, we teach them something called the Iceberg Model. It's a framework that's helped thousands of Hong Kong parents understand their children better.

What you see above the water: The tantrum. The screaming. The crying. The throwing themselves on the ground. The refusal. The behavior that makes Hong Kong parents feel like they're failing.
What's beneath the water: The actual feeling driving the behavior. Frustration. Powerlessness. Fear. Overwhelm. Confusion. Unmet need.

Most Hong Kong parents focus entirely on what's above the water. We try to stop the tantrum. We punish. We try to make it go away. There's cultural pressure to do so—we're taught that good children don't have meltdowns.

But here's the thing: the tantrum is just the messenger. If you only shoot the messenger, the message comes back, usually stronger.
What you have to do is understand what's beneath the water. What is your child actually feeling or needing?

The supermarket example: your child wants candy and you said no. What's beneath the water? It's not that they're entitled or spoiled. It's usually one of these:
Powerlessness. They don't have control over anything in their life. You decide what they eat, when they sleep, where they go, what school they attend. This is one moment where they wanted to decide something, and you said no. That triggers rage. In Hong Kong's structured, controlled parenting environment, this can be especially acute.
Frustration with their own brain. They can't understand why you said no. They can't problem-solve their way around it. That's infuriating.
A need they can't articulate. Maybe they're exhausted and need sugar. Maybe they felt disconnected from you and candy felt like connection. Maybe they're overstimulated or stressed from school pressure.

None of that looks like the tantrum from the outside. But it's all real.

And here's the part about being smart: children who recognize "I have a problem I can't solve" and express it are showing emotional awareness. They're communicating. They're not shutting down or becoming the "good, quiet child" that Hong Kong culture often values—which can mask serious emotional struggles.

The tantrum is crude communication, yes. But it's still communication.

Why Your Child's Brain Can't Self-Regulate Yet

Here's what every Hong Kong parent needs to know: your child's brain is not fully developed. Specifically, the prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for emotional regulation—won't be fully developed until they're in their mid-20s.

When a big feeling hits them, it goes straight to the amygdala (the emotional center). There's no pause button. It's immediate.

We call this an "amygdala hijack." Your child feels so intensely that their logical brain just goes offline.
So when you tell your frustrated, screaming child to "calm down" or "use your words," you're asking them to do something their brain literally can't do yet. This is especially important for Hong Kong parents to understand because our culture often expects more emotional control than development allows.

This isn't their fault. It's neurobiology.
What they actually need is external regulation. They need you to be calm. They need you to help bring their nervous system back down. Once they're regulated, then you can talk about what happened.

In the moment? Talking is pointless.

What Your Child Actually Needs in That Moment

When your child is in full meltdown mode:

Stay calm. Your child's nervous system is dysregulated. If you escalate, you're making it worse. Your calmness becomes contagious. Slowly, their nervous system comes back down. This is especially important in Hong Kong, where parents often feel public shame.

Validate the feeling without validating the behavior. "I see you're really upset. That makes sense. You wanted the candy and I said no. That's frustrating."
NOT "You're being ridiculous" or "If you keep this up, I'll punish you."

Offer physical comfort if they'll accept it. Being held by a calm parent helps their nervous system regulate. Your touch, your heartbeat, your calmness transfers to them.

Don't try to teach in the moment. Save the conversation for later. "We'll talk about this when you're feeling better. Right now, I'm just here with you."

A dysregulated child cannot learn. What lands is: "My parent stayed calm. My parent didn't shame me. My parent helped me come back down."

Building Emotional Awareness Over Time

Tantrums will happen. The question is: what are you building over time?

Are you building a child who hides big feelings because expressing them got them in trouble? Or a child who learns to recognize their feelings, name them, and express them healthily?

This is especially important for Hong Kong parents, because our culture values emotional restraint. We need to break that pattern.

Here's how you build emotional awareness:
 Notice and name feelings when they're small. Throughout the day: "I noticed you looked sad when your friend went home. I noticed you got frustrated with that puzzle."

Share your own feelings. "I'm feeling frustrated because I can't find my keys. I'm going to take a deep breath and look more carefully."

Talk about feelings during calm times. Read stories and discuss how characters feel. Ask about their day: "What made you happy? What was hard?"
When they do have a tantrum, treat it as information, not a crisis. After they're calm: "That was really hard for you. What were you feeling?"

Over time, your child starts noticing feelings earlier. They develop more capacity to express them with words. They learn: "When I feel this way, I can tell my parent. My parent won't get angry. We'll figure it out together."

Tantrums vs. Meltdowns
What's the difference?
Tantrums are more calculated. Your child wants something, you say no, they escalate to try to change your mind. If you give in, the tantrum stops.
Meltdowns are about overwhelm. Your child isn't trying to manipulate. They're genuinely overwhelmed—by sensory input, tiredness, change, anxiety, stress. They can't pull themselves out. Giving them what they want won't fix it. What helps is safety, calm, patience, time.

In real life, they often look similar. But if you're paying attention, you can usually tell the difference.

When It's More Than Just a Tantrum

Sometimes tantrums are just tantrums. Sometimes they're signaling something bigger.

If your child is having frequent, intense meltdowns that last a long time, or if they're becoming aggressive toward themselves or others, or if tantrums happen in all contexts, it might be worth checking in with someone.

This doesn't mean something is wrong with your child. It might mean they're more sensitive to sensory input, dealing with anxiety, or have difficulty with emotional regulation. Getting support—from a school counselor, psychologist, or parenting coach who understands Hong Kong's context—can help you understand what's happening and what your child might need.

The Iceberg Model still applies. There's still something beneath the water. Sometimes you need professional help to figure out what it is.

But most of the time? Your child's tantrum is them trying to tell you they have a problem they can't solve. Your job is to stay calm, help them feel understood, and gradually teach them better tools.
Your child isn't broken. They're learning how to be human in a complicated world.

Ready to Understand What Your Child Is Really Communicating?

Get the complete "Behavior Decoding Framework" in our Module 1: Decoding Your Child's Behavior.

Learn to read the iceberg—what's beneath every tantrum, every shutdown, every refusal. Understand your child deeply and respond with compassion instead of reaction.

Go deeper with strategies:
 Once you understand what your child is communicating, learn practical tools for responding effectively.

Module 2: Practical Tools for Real Families includes everything from regulation strategies to conversation frameworks, all adapted for Hong Kong's context.
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